


You’re the Worst

by Zymm



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: AU, F/M, modern-day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 00:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13178166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zymm/pseuds/Zymm
Summary: Cassian and Jyn are strikingly similar in all the wrong ways.





	You’re the Worst

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven’t already guessed, this little one-shot is based off the show ‘You’re the Worst’. It was difficult writing Jyn and Cassian as jerks, but it was also very amusing.

If there was anything Jyn Erso hated more than people in general, it was weddings.  
Technically, you couldn’t really have one without the other, but whatever. They both sucked.   
She was only there because Leia had pulled her arm and practically forced her to go. That was the nice way of putting it- technically, she had threatened to purge Jyn’s house of all the alcohol she owned. Jyn boasted a large amount of dangerous substances in her humble abode, because why not? Life was too short to spend it being boring and sad.   
She’s ninety percent sure that’s why Leia threatened to throw it all out- with her new husband, she was back to living the life of some virgin Catholic teen, Jyn swore. The moment she refused to do a line with Jyn was the moment of no return, the departure into the dark land that was marriage.   
Jyn kinda hated Leia at the moment, but it would pass.   
At least it was a boozy wedding, Jyn decided cheerfully. With the rumors she’d heard about the bride, it wasn’t any bit of a surprise. She’d heard some crazy shit in the bathrooms, from the bride secretly marrying some mafia boss from Ireland (did they even have those there? A mafia leprechaun was the best thing Jyn could ever imagine), to the bride actually being a long-lost Czechoslovakian princess attracted to the copious amount of drugs in America.  
Okay, the last one was all Jyn, and she may’ve alienated herself from half the wedding party at that point, but come on. She was bored out of her mind.   
Besides, what kind of name was Aayla? It was a princess/druggie name if she’d ever heard one.   
Leia was at the same table as Jyn, sipping all politely on her wine as she tried to make conversation with one of her husband’s associates. Jyn scowled outwardly at her, scoffing loud enough to make the coworker glance in her direction. Her best friend was acting like some princess just because she’d married a rich, successful guy. Jyn knew for a fact she was itching to down her drink, itching to leave the wedding and go do something fun for once, just like old times. Her husband was such a downer, and Jyn took every opportunity to tell her.  
Jyn was such a good friend.  
She idly watching Leia smile and nod, wondering how much persuading it would take for her to ditch. Her thoughts were rudely, but happily, interrupted by a loud screaming match that had erupted on the dance-floor of the wedding venue.  
“You’re just doing this to hurt me, you pathetic whore.”   
Oh snap. That sounded like it was emotion-filled; Jyn was giddy to look around and find whoever was about to break into tears.  
It was the freakin’ bride.   
Jyn’s jaw dropped. No way this was actually happening. It was like some catty drama she’d watch on TV when she and Leia would get drunk and stay in together. She met Leia’s eyes across the table as the screaming match got louder.  
“Can you believe this?” Jyn whispered to Leia, an amused, excited grin on her face. Hell, she was half-drunk anyways, and weddings made her even more pissed. This was like a little miracle, like God encouraging her to be a bad person. Thank you, Jesus. She’d make sure to give a few bucks to charity or something.  
“Jyn!” Leia hissed, half-horrified, half-scolding. Her husband’s friend looked aghast at Jyn’s response to the fight, and nicely excused himself from the table.   
“Can you not ruin my life for like one day?” Leia complained quietly to her best friend, pushing down her modest, green gown on her legs. It had to go past the knees, a rule of etiquette she had to adapt to in her new lifestyle. Jyn scoffed.  
“What, your little make-believe life? We both know its not gonna last.” Jyn responded, singing her last sentence a little too loudly; Leia grabbed her wrist as she sipped through her fancy straw. Jyn felt a little bad, honestly- she could see tears begin to well up in Leia’s eyes.  
“I’m trying to grow up here, Jyn.” Leia whispered, her brows furrowing together. It was a funny contradiction- she looked even more like a child now, playing dress-up in a middle-aged woman’s wardrobe. Jyn pitied her- she was barely even twenty-five and she was starting to present herself as if she were some forty-year old mother of three.   
“Hey, at least you’re not that guy.” Jyn offered, nodding towards the man who’d made the outburst towards the bride. He was now being escorted out, still hurling insults at the bride, who had began to tear up. She did get in a good slap though, and Jyn thought that was pretty badass of her. If she ever beat someone up, she’d so want it to be in a wedding dress.  
The guy was kinda cute, though, in this dramatic Mexican kind of way. Maybe Jyn was just attracted to him because he’d made a scene, she didn’t really know. She didn’t make the best decisions.  
There was suddenly someone sliding into the chair beside her, and Jyn tried her best not to grimace. It was Leia’s husband, in his polite, boring, stupidly old suit. It made him look like a grandpa or something. Jyn was worried she’d fall asleep by 9 and make it to the early bird breakfast the next day if she didn’t get far away from him.  
“See you later, Leia.” Jyn shot at her, completely ignoring her husband. She wasn’t in the mood to fight off crossword puzzles and oatmeal-colored sweaters today.

\--------------

Cassian was pissed, in both body and mind.   
He didn’t want to go to that damn wedding in the first place, but he knew that Aayla would only take that as a victory, a stupid, smug grin on her face as she realized he couldn’t bear to show up. He’d decided that he would show her, and he’d made sure he looked just fantastic and grinned through the whole damn ceremony.  
Cassian mainly grinned because of the poor damned soul who decided to condemn himself to marriage with her. Rest in peace, you idiot.  
And then she’d said something in her speech, something that just set him on fire. Hell, he couldn’t remember even what it had been, but it had royally pissed him off. So he grabbed the mic for the next speech- oh the absolute horror on her pretty, ugly face.   
It also helped that he’d been generous on the alcohol, but come on. Free alcohol at the expense of his bitchy, demon ex? Sign him up, any day of the week.  
And so he laid into her, bringing up every awful thing they’d ever done, right in front of what were once going to be his in-laws. Oh, the look on their faces. He’d be replaying that for weeks. It brought a smile to his face now, even as he waited on his taxi outside the venue. Cassian considered that he should feel lucky he didn’t have the cops called on him, but it would’ve been nice to use his one call on her. Ruin their wedding night with him calling from jail. That would’ve been priceless.  
He was lighting up one of his cigarettes, reminiscing on his beautiful night, when someone spoke up next to him.  
“Hey, can I have one?”  
It was this little chick, probably only up to his chin. She was cute, even with the smudged makeup around her eyes and the slightly untamed hair. Like some little raccoon.  
“They’re expensive.” Cassian complained. She wasn’t that cute. He’d never shared his cigarettes, with anyone. They were his, and cost him a pretty penny he shouldn’t be using in the first place.   
“I didn’t ask how much they cost.” She said, rolling her eyes. Cassian was taken aback- what a lady, he thought sarcastically.   
And then she sat on the bench next to him, as if they were long lost friends.   
“Is that one of their presents?” Cassian asked her incredulously, motioning to the large, colorfully wrapped package on her lap. Half the packing was ripped, letting him see the contents inside. It was most definitely a wedding gift.   
“Yeah, but it’s a food processor. What the hell do you even do with one of those?” She scoffed, and to his great amusement, she tossed the package into the bushes behind them, without a second thought. Cassian felt a laugh bubble up in his throat, his hands rubbing over the stubble on his chin.   
“Process food, I assume.” Cassian responded. He looked at his watch- the damn taxi was so slow tonight.   
“If I’m processing food before I’m at least forty, just euthanize me.” She asserted, nodding in agreement to her statement. Cassian couldn’t help but chuckle, looking back over at her. She had one long leg stretched out in front of her, the other folded underneath her body. She sprawled over the bench, completely unladylike. Cassian wasn’t sure if he was attracted to her or just amused.  
“Here.” Cassian said, shoving a cigarette in her face. She greedily took it between her fingers, placing the cigarette between her red lips and giving him a look under dark lashes. She had those crazy eyes, hot but totally uncontrolled. He wasn’t sure why he gave her a cigarette. Maybe to shut her up before she started babbling about her daddy issues.  
“You totally blew up on the bride earlier, right?” She asked, a grin on her face. Cassian couldn’t even contain his pleasure at the memory.  
“Most definitely. She’s quite literally the worst person I’ve ever met.” Cassian responded.  
“Oh, yeah. I can attest to that.” She piped up, her brown eyes large as she nodded fiercely. “I heard she’s actually some Czechoslovakian princess chasing after the cocaine.”  
Cassian laughed, throwing his head back at that.   
“You’re so right.” Cassian agreed, the laughter and alcohol making his stomach all bubbly. It’s as if he were on the cusp of making more bad decisions, and his body was just preparing for the inevitable.   
“Spend the night?” Cassian asked suddenly after they quit laughing.   
“Why not.”

\-----------

Jyn had never had such an awful hangover before.  
Okay, that was a lie. But being overdramatic helped the hangover, and she liked being overdramatic. Added a little bit of excitement into her life.  
The dude was still asleep, snoring like some horse. Jyn had woke up with his arm slung directly across her face, his loud snores almost scaring her to death. That and the splitting headache didn’t help the situation much. It wasn’t the worst decision Jyn had made, but it certainly didn’t make the list of the best decisions she’d made. Even though some of those were really just her opinion.   
Since he was still asleep, Jyn decided it wouldn’t hurt to look around. She’d just spent the night with the guy and done far more than just sleep, so it would be nice to learn a little about the dude she just screwed. It would at least put her at ease- what if he were a serial killer.  
Okay, that would be kinda rad, she admitted.  
His apartment was nice, all modern and cool guy. He had a crap ton of vinyls, way more than Jyn would ever buy. She squinted at some of the names, not even recognizing half of them. Vulfpeck? Wildcat, Wildcat? LCD Soundsystem?  
Jyn groaned out loud. She slept with a hipster. Worst decision ever.  
She found a shirt of his slung over his messy desk and slipped it over her figure. Jyn would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy little trophies from her excursions. That, and she was not slipping into that awful dress again at this ungodly morning hour.   
She crept into the hallway- what if he was married? What if he had children here? Half of her was horrified and half of her thoroughly amused. Because hey, if she inadvertently got him in trouble, she could just leave and never see him again. She was really, really good at not being committed to anything.   
“Um, hey?” A voice said hesitantly as she rounded the corner to what happened to be the living room and kitchen area. It came from a lanky guy with a dark beard and a low ponytail. He looked awkward.  
“Hey, I’m Jyn.” She introduced herself, grinning ear to ear.   
“I assume Cassian brought you home?” He asked, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably.  
“If that’s the guy in the bedroom, then yeah. I think.” Jyn said, and her smile faltered a little- she’d had some one-night stands, sure, but she’d never not gotten a name before they slept together. That’s a new low altogether.  
She’d be gone before it mattered anyways, she assured herself.  
“Oooh, are you making breakfast?” Jyn asked excitedly.

\-----------

Cassian felt awful, like his body was beating him up for all of his awful actions the night before.  
It all rushed back to him, coincidentally also leading him to rush to the bathroom, throwing up the meager contents of his stomach. He couldn’t believe he yelled at Aayla, in front of her whole party nonetheless. He didn’t feel completely upset about it, more shocked than anything- she deserved it, he told himself. The witch.   
He remembered he brought a girl home, too. Not his best decision, but she’d been cute and had even less morals than he did. And he’d be a liar if he said she was bad in bed, because that was the complete opposite of the truth.   
She’d left her dress and heels on his bedroom floor, and one of his shirts were missing- Cassian scowled. Really? She was just going to leave her shit on his floor and go? He didn’t want some goodbye hug or- god forbid- a number and a future, but she should at least have the decency to act as if she were never there. The audacity.  
He’d planned to bitch about it to Bodhi- he didn’t pay rent so Cassian thought it would at least be appropriate for him to play the part of a therapist, though Cassian rarely took his advice to heart. Bodhi was like his little peppy, PTSD-stricken cheerleader that Cassian had grudgingly taken in. An interesting combo, if Cassian did say himself.  
“Bodhi, why in God’s name are the blinds open?” Cassian complained as he went into the kitchen, shielding his eyes from the headache-inducing sun. They should just get rid of it already.  
He was about to yell for Bodhi again, since he had failed to give a good answer, but instead he paused, staring at the scene in front of him.  
The girl he’d slept with was not only in his shirt, but sitting at the kitchen table as if she owned the place, sharing a place of french toast with his roommate. She was casually sprawled out, legs in the chair in front of her, laughing at something Bodhi had said.  
The traitor! He knew Cassian had a strict policy, including the fact that no girl should stay the night, let alone eat breakfast. This was so unacceptable that Cassian was feeling another headache on top of his current one. A headache screwing another headache.  
“Cassian, Jyn and I were just talking about you.” Bodhi said happily, a smug smile on his features. Cassian squinted at him, and then stopped, taken aback.  
“Gin? Like the drink?” Cassian sputtered.  
“No, J-y-n. Like-” Jyn paused, tapping her lips thoughtfully. “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”  
“Neat.” Cassian said, disinterested. “What’s for breakfast Bodhi? Surely not french toast, as I’ve told you many times that I hate that.”  
“Yes, but Jyn here loves it.” Bodhi said, grinning from ear to ear. “And as we don’t get many morning visitors, I thought it was appropriate.”  
Cassian groaned internally- of course Bodhi was reading into this. Of course he was encouraging it, like some little teenage girl trying to set up friends. He was always pressuring Cassian into settling down, for god knows what reason. Cassian was much, much better off on his own, thank you very much.  
He tried to ignore the current problem lounging about in his kitchen, making itself chummy with his housemate. She seemed perfectly at home, something Cassian was not looking for in the least bit. Not at all. He cursed, spilling some of his black coffee onto his hand as he thought. He was so used to Bodhi pouring it for him- after all, the guy leeched off of Cassian for an apartment.  
“Don’t you have a job or something?” Cassian grumbled, looking in Jyn’s direction. She shrugged a little, pushing her plate of half-eaten french toast away from her. She eyed him with her doe eyes, without a care in the world.   
“Eh, yeah. But I don’t have to be there till noon today.” Jyn said smoothly. “By the way, can I get a time check?”  
“Uh- half an hour till noon.” Bodhi answered back nervously.  
Jyn muttered a curse, pushing herself back rapidly from the table and sprinting to Cassian’s bedroom. Finally, Cassian thought, an out. A way to get this chick out of his life for good, just like the others. He already felt a lift in his step.

“Bye Bodhi, thanks for the food. Bye Cassian, thanks for the screw.” Jyn said cheerily, running through their kitchen in little more than her lopsided dress from the previous evening, her hair a complete mess, a bright, perky grin on her face. Cassian barely had the time to gape at her before she was out the door, trying to chase down a taxi in the street.  
Bodhi whistled, leaning back in his chair, his hands behind his head.  
“I like her!” Bodhi exclaimed, grinning widely at Cassian.

\------------------

“So when is she coming back?” Bodhi asked, handing Cassian a glass of water, at his recent demand. Cassian shushed him furiously, his brow furrowed.  
“God, man, can’t you see I’m writing?! Don’t interrupt the process.” Cassian complained, pushing his laptop away from him for a second. Bodhi had a great knack for being one of the most annoying things in his life. Cassian was a writer, and with it came commitment, dedication, and skill, all of which Cassian usually exercised half-drunk, pacing around his living room. And Bodhi, the poor fool, couldn’t appreciate the talent in front of him, and constantly screwed up Cassian’s vibe.  
“You’ve wrote three sentences in the past hour.” Bodhi stated, pointing at the screen as soon as Cassian shut it, defensively.  
“They are brilliant sentences.” Cassian insisted. “And that woman who stayed last night is history.”  
“She wasn’t like the others.” Bodhi sang, grinning from ear to ear. Oh, he was having a ball with all of this, Cassian thought, scowling. “You let her stay the night!”  
“I was tired, damnit! I just wanted my sleep and didn’t have the heart to kick her out.” He argued.  
“She’s so nice, though. So happy.” Bodhi insisted.  
Yeah, so nice, Cassian thought, laughing at the statement. Bodhi hadn’t been with her when she was drunk last night, blabbering about her life. Cassian listened, interested in a way he insisted was only because it was entertaining, like a train wreck. He’d learned some great things about her, especially the fact that she was secretly seeing one of her dad’s bosses, who funded half of her insane lifestyle.   
Oh yeah, so nice.  
“I think you should call her again, maybe go out on a date.”  
Cassian sputtered on the water Bodhi had given him, his eyes practically bulging out of his head.   
“Are you mad?”   
“Well, if you’re going to be rude about it, I guess I’ll warn you. She called earlier and told me she left her bag here.” Bodhi told him, skirting away the moment Cassian began to reach for him in a fit. He slipped into the kitchen, listening to Cassian yell behind him.  
“You talked to her? You let her call? Bodhi, we’ve been over this before! One-night stands are called one-night for a reason. They aren’t people I’d ever want to ‘date’, if I ever wanted to date.” Cassian growled, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off his oncoming headache. This was a mess. A complete, total mess, cooked up by Bodhi Rook, mess-maker extraordinaire. He’d kill the man before this was over.  
“You let her stay the night. She’s an exception.” Bodhi said simply, shrugging as he began to conquer the mound of dishes in the sink. Bodhi was a cook, first and foremost, and he ‘paid’ his rent with cooking (though Cassian would suggest otherwise).   
“She’s the worst, Bodhi.”

\---------------

Cassian heard the doorbell ring, and he braced himself, a grimace on her face. Time to end this once and for all, he thought, for the greater good- Cassian himself.  
“How was work, Jyn?” He heard Bodhi ask pleasantly, opening the door to let her in. Traitor, Cassian thought as he set up in bed, pushing his laptop away. Of course she came late at night, after she’d gotten off work, because like himself, Jyn didn’t often think of others.  
“Hey sleepy.” Jyn announced as she entered his room. She blinked at the dark interior, surprised he was already in bed. Lame.   
“Dude, it’s like ten o’clock.” She complained, making herself at home. She went straight to his dresser, rooting around the mess for her belongings. Cassian scowled, running a hand through his hair. Okay, maybe this would be easier if it wasn’t completely dark, her thought. He turned on the lamp next to him, ignoring the feeling that she’d already thwarted his ‘Keep Jyn Away’ plan.  
Oh.   
She wasn’t anything like the half-drunk, crazy-looking girl he’d been with last night. She was instead fresh faced and dressed nicely, like she had an actual reputable job. And above all that, she didn’t look hot or anything, but instead pretty.   
Cassian felt like it was a trap. A big, nasty trap with his name all over it.  
“I can’t believe I left my bag. Stupid of me, right?” Jyn scoffed, rolling her eyes at her own self. Cassian shifted uncomfortably.  
“Yeah.” He added lamely. It was stupid, but her appearance really had startled him. He’d only previously seen her as wedding girl, all wild looking and stupidly attractive- he didn’t even know her name until the next morning, thanks to Bodhi. And now she was like a whole other person, all respectable and shit. It made his head hurt, mainly because he’d never really seen the legion of one-night-stand-girls as anything but mindless party girls.  
Nope, here she was. The exception.  
“You’re leaving, right? We don’t have to have some awkward conversation about this, right?” Cassian asked, defensive after his revelation. She shot a look over her shoulder, grabbing her bag from a chair across the room.  
“God, you’re the worst.” Jyn said, not quite angry, but more amused at the fact that perhaps she’d found someone even more immature, more detached, more robotic than her.  
“No, you’re the worst.” Cassian argued, taken aback. This girl calling him out like some high, moral power? How dare she. “You’re sleeping with your dad’s boss for money! That’s literally prostitution!”  
“Not money- he’s hot, and the gifts are just extra!” Jyn said, a hand clapping over her mouth. “You’re living as a failed writer who’s left his family because they aren’t as deep as you!”  
Whoa. He didn’t remember telling her that. Then it hit him, like a truck. When they were talking on the steps outside his house, a bottle shared between them, her hanging lazily off his arm. Somewhere between all the drinks and kissing they’d found time to talk, feeding off each others’ insufferable actions.   
They both stared at each other, taken aback, not sure how to respond. It was as if they’d both met their match, someone just as awful as they were. It was like fire meeting fire, unsure what to do.  
“If we are both terrible people not looking for anything-” Jyn said, that clever glint in her eyes, something Cassian had picked up almost as soon as he met her. She dropped her bag back in the chair behind her, raising an eyebrow. Cassian finished her sentence, shrugging off everything in his body that told him no. Surely it would be fine, he lied to himself, two people with shared, unethical goals.   
“-then it doesn’t matter if you stay another night.”


End file.
